I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
