I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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