I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
