My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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