I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
