There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize