So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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