when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
