Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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