My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
