i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
