how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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