My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize