I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
