I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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