You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
