I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
