Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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