and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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