Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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