I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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