Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
