why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
