So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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