it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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