can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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