bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
