i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
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