I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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