and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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