booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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