Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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