What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
