Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
