I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
