She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
