this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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