Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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