It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize