My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
