we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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