Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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