Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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