just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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