I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
