um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
