I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
