my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
