you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize