When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
