I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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