sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
