Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
