i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
