I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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