I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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