After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
