its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
