and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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